Monthly Archives: July 2013

Food For Thought: Part 3 (God Loves Me)

part3As promised, I’ll be finishing up my thoughts on Brent Bailey’s post The Crisis of Relationship with God. You can read parts 1 & 2 here and here.

I want to mention again that while I’m not trying to devalue how these issues specifically effect members of the gay community, I’m also really passionate about seeing the “us vs. them” mentality take a hike. The way to do this is find ways to relate as people without a subtitle.  I am thankful that Brent took the time to explain challenges he faced in his relationship with God and the church and for the insight it provides into what others may be going through.  I’m also thankful for the realization that what he describes is not so different from some of my own experience, even though I am female and straight.

In the second half of his post Brent moves into what I think is a really great description of two essential elements of being in relationship with God.

 Two thousand years of Christian history have taught us developing a relationship with God requires two basic components that seem to be non-negotiable. The first is spending time with God through spiritual disciplines like solitude, silence, and scripture. The second is interacting with a consistent group of other Christians through participation in a local church, an intentional faith community, a religious order, or some other body of faith. Neither of these works without the other, but in my experience, both of these can be problematic for gay people.

Brent’s suggestion for why gay people may have a difficult time with these two components has to do with a persons understanding of how they are loved by God. Brent says,

You know as well as I do that affirming, “God loves everyone” is entirely different from affirming, “God loves me,” and the reason I equivocated was that my intellectual assent to the reality of God’s unconditional love did not translate into any sort of emotional, gut-level confidence that God loved me. You’ll notice I’m not saying anything about approval or sanction of certain behaviors. Before I even had the chance to get to those questions, I struggled mightily to believe God loved me: that God was for me rather than against me, that God was interested in me and actually cared about me, and that God desired a relationship with me as an individual.

This really resonated with me because I can understand the struggle to internalize and personalize God’s love.  I’ve spent my whole life in church and my relationship with God started when I was five, but it wasn’t until the last several years that I began to understand how God sees me.  I believe that coming to this understanding is a journey every Christian makes, and I have great empathy for gay Christians because most of us don’t have to deal with picket signs declaring how God hates us on top of everything else that might be telling us we are unlovable, but even still… being loved by the Creator of the Universe is not something that comes to anyone without struggle and doubt and questions. This should unite us. This should give us reason to relate to one another.

The  difficulties in the second component, participating in a faith community, are not unexpected. Brent points out the possibility of pain associated with the church and the difficulty of being in the minority. These things are understandable and true.  I don’t mean to beat a dead horse here, but again, I feel like a lot of the solution relies on our ability to see what we all have in common. I have known many people who’ve suffered hurt from the church for a variety for reasons that mostly have nothing to do with sexuality. I know others who find themselves at odds with the church body because they don’t see where they fit because their circumstances throw them into a very small category.

These are things that happen in the church to people. None of them are things that are specific to one group, so I have to believe that part of the solution is recognizing what we have in common and letting it unite in our desire to know God instead of looking for how we are the exception to the rule, or believing that we are a special case and that no one can understand us.

At the end of the day, for any of this to get better, we have to drop the labels– the ones we have for ourselves and the ones we have for others.  Has anyone else noticed that our labels come ahead of our distinction as Follower of Christ? Gay Christian, Straight Christian, Single Christian, Married Christian, Liberal Christian, Conservative Christian… I could go on.

Perhaps these assignments speak a lot of truth about what it is we are really following, and perhaps that’s something we should put some serious thought into. Jesus is the one thing we all have in common, why not define ourselves through Him and stop there?

Young People Walking in Meadow

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Food For Thought: Part 2

part2In yesterday’s post I used some quotes from this post by Brent Bailey.  I’ve decided that my thoughts and comments on this one blog post are probably going to be spread out over three posts of my own. I just can’t seem to cram it all into one or even two.

Today I am just going to write about a concept I started thinking more about after reading it and I’m going to start by telling you the story of one of the single most horrifying moments of my adult life. I bet you’re ready to read now, aren’t you? =)

In March of 2010 I moved to Dallas for work in the cosmetic industry. I was offered a promotion with the company I was with, and at the time it seemed like I was going to have a very strong future with this company, so I took it even though I had no family or friends in that area, and I had never lived that far from my friends and family in my life.

I had known that it would be a challenge, that there would be loneliness, and in His mercy God eventually brought me the best friend I could ask for (and Sarah if you’re reading this, I still believe that getting to know and hang out with you and Mark made Dallas totally worth it), but I was not prepared for just how lonely lonely could be.

I am a born and raised Central Texan and I like to be outside in the sun. I wasn’t expecting the extreme weather differences I’d experience in North Texas. In that first winter there I dealt with having to drive to work in three feet of snow, the most snow I’d seen on the ground in my life. I learned I don’t care for snow, or being cold. At all. Between the weather and the loneliness I was facing some pretty serious depression.  I knew I needed to try to find a church to get involved in, so I emailed a man I’d met through work who had become a youth pastor for the Fort Worth campus of a certain mega church in the DFW area and he put me in touch with a female friend of his who was a member of the campus closest to where I lived.

After a nice chat on the phone, I agreed to meet the woman in the church book store Sunday morning and sit with her group for service. I was so relieved to be getting some interaction with people outside of work, I gathered all my courage and braved icy roads and a 45 minute drive to get to the church on time.  The other woman and I met, her friends were kind and welcoming, and the service was pretty much what I expected at a church like that, which I don’t say to sound negative. It was just a typical Sunday in a BIG BIG church. After the service was over I was prepared to head home and have lunch, but the group encouraged me to come with them to a “class” they all attended after the service. Things had gone well, so I thought, “Why not!” This is where it all started to go downhill.

We went upstairs to what looked like a youth room… except for adults. As we were walking in the door the group I had been with dispersed and I was on my own. There was a guy greeting people, handing out name tags and assigning them a table. At that point I wasn’t overly worried, I’d seen similar things before. I assumed there would be small group discussion and table assignments were a good way to mix the group every week.

I headed to my assigned table where there was exactly one person seated. Something about her body language suggested that she wasn’t at all comfortable with the whole set up and that she was probably new as well. I decided to sit next to her, perhaps it would make us both feel better to be next to someone in a similar situation.  I’d barely gotten seated when she leaned over to talk to me and the conversation went something like this:

Worried Girl: You’ve never been here before have you?

Me: No, this is my first visit.  Have you been in this class before?

Worried Girl: Just once. Last week was my first time… Do you know what you’ve gotten yourself into? Did they tell you what kind of class this was?

Me: *starting to feel nervous* No? I was told it was just a young adult class, I assumed it was something like a Sunday school class.

Worried Girl: *glancing carefully around the room and leaning closer to whisper* It’s not a young adults class… it’s a single young adults class. This is a class to teach you how to date. I didn’t know when they convinced me to come.

Me: *panic beginning to rise*  What!?!

Worried Girl: That’s right, a dating class! And just wait… in a minute this table will be full, there will be a talk about how to be more successful at dating and then the leader of this table will ask you really uncomfortable questions. Get ready.

Me: Is this just a series they are on right now? Will it be over in a couple of weeks?

Worried Girl: Nope. I asked. All of the people here are looking for spouses, so they have the class and mix the group and hope that they eventually find a match.  I don’t know why I came back, except I’m curious to see if it works.

Me: *panic rendering me speechless*

singleAt that point my worried friend took the opportunity of filling my horrified silence with talk about her cats, all six of them, and I started wondering if I was really awake or if this was all a nightmare. Sadly, she wasn’t exaggerating, it was absolutely a dating class and the horribly  awkward question I was asked during our small group discussion was if I would share how I learned about “the birds and the bees” in front of my whole table.  I passed on the question, much to the tables disappointment, and then passed on ever going back to that church again.

After I read Brent’s post, specifically the parts about knowing God’s intent for our lives and sexuality within the church, I got to thinking about this experience and it really sunk in how uncomfortable most churches are with singleness and the pressure and frustration that can cause for people.

Much harder to bear than my own feelings about singleness are how some of the people around me feel. The idea that one could be single and celibate for life is viewed by many as a last resort rather than a reasonable option. After some conversation about that very idea, I have to wonder if maybe that also plays a part in the observation I quoted yesterday about gay Christians in more traditional churches and their sense of belonging. Both Catholic and Orthodox churches have traditions of celibacy, which is something that Protestant churches have stepped far, far away from, but I think those traditions help keep singleness from becoming its own sort of taboo within the church and allows for less pressure on individual people.

I suppose, having most of my church experience come from Southern Baptist and Non-Denomination churches, I find liturgical churches fascinating. In my experience, especially in the last 10 years or so, there’s a lot of “what you see is what you get” mentality in mainstream church culture in an attempt to be very “authentic” and “real”.  Churches seem to want to be approachable and informal in a way that makes people feel welcome and accommodated, I just wonder if in that process we’ve lost touch with meaning, and more I’m starting to question whether this style of church is even coming close to accomplishing the end goal that’s supposed to be justifying the means.

Maybe, just maybe, some of the answers we’re looking for aren’t in something new, but in something ancient.

Look for Part 3 on Monday!

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Food for Thought.

Food-for-thoughtYesterday I came across a blog post on Twitter  called The Crisis of Relationship with God by a man named Brent Bailey. I don’t know a whole lot about Brent just yet, but I really appreciated some of the insights I found in that blog post and wanted to share some important things I think it highlighted, here. I definitely encourage you to go and read the whole post for yourself though.

For me this blog post identifies some issues that I think are very much worth paying attention to and some that I, personally, don’t see come up very often. I’m going to use a couple quotes from the post and then respond to them with my thoughts–

It’s a bizarre time to be a gay Christian if you’re connected at all to conservative circles. Only recently has a gay-affirming sexual ethic gathered momentum on a broad level, and gay Christians who once received a conclusive answer from other Christians about homosexuality now encounter ambivalence when they seek to determine God’s will for their lives. That ambivalence can be soothing when it provides much-needed space to ask questions and give words to emotions that have long felt unutterable, but that ambivalence can become maddening when it sends gay people on a seemingly endless journey to determine what they believe and whether they’re prepared to handle the consequences of those convictions.

The key word for me that flew off the screen was ambivalence. I feel like I’ve been sensing this emotion permeating mainstream Protestant church culture for a while, but somehow never put my finger on it until I read it in that paragraph. I’m going to do a whole lot of leveling the playing field here because, while I understand Brent’s point is to speak directly to how these issues are effecting gay Christians, my purpose is to find common ground. And not only that, but to see Christians come to place of unity, where we recognize the issues facing The Body and support one another, not as gay Christians and straight Christians, or liberal Christians and conservative Christians, but simply as brothers and sisters in Christ.

One of the biggest problems I see in mainstream churches today is that there’s no real discipleship going on. I see it most commonly in “seekers” or “new Christians” and I can most definitely see it being a frustration for gay Christians as well. So many churches have adopted a habit of openness, which in theory seems good, grace-filled, and loving, but doesn’t actually give much direction. Once you cross the threshold of being out of relationship with God to being in relationship with Him, often people find themselves wondering, Now, what does being in relationship with God look like in my life? And, unfortunately, in a lot of mainstream churches you’ll be hard-pressed to get a real or consistent answer from anyone. We are very concerned that people know that God will meet them where they are, and that’s good, but the trouble is that instead of exemplifying that truth in the way we relate to the people around us while being committed ourselves to loving God back through obedience to Him in our own lives, we’ve kind of turned that on its head.

I know that it’s not something that’s limited only to my generation, but it’s something I see my generation in particular becoming more and more fed up with– Since love has become deluded down to a general sense of positive feelings towards God and other people, we don’t understand how love and relationship means self-sacrifice and what that looks like realistically in our lives. This should be where discipleship steps in, where we learn, through faith and church tradition, what to actualize relating to God and to others looks like day-to-day, but in mainstream Protestant church culture ‘tradition’ has come to be viewed as a dirty, oppressive word. Which leads to the next quote…

[Side note: A friend and I recently noticed how gay people involved in more established, historical traditions that emphasize submission to church authority, like Catholics, rarely seem to face this same uncertainty about what they ought to believe—not because they’re unthinking or uncritical, but because they’re confident in church teachings and trust the church will support them in their obedience. Those Christian circles with more diversity of belief seem more apt to engender the anxiety I’m describing.]

The emphasis there is mine because from my perspective this is really important observation. This makes me want to sit back, take a deep breath and just think for a while. It’s sobering to me on a lot of different levels. I don’t question that the intent of how we’ve tried to be open in churches has been bad, but that we’ve gone about it in much the wrong way, and as a result people are struggling inside the church with trying to relate to God. I am absolutely FOR people knowing that they don’t have to clean themselves up to know God and I am absolutely FOR churches discipling  people as they learn to relate to God and I believe with all of my heart that church tradition plays a major role in that.

Trust me when I say I know how old-fashioned this could make me look, and I know I run the risk of causing people to believe that I am too conservative or legalistic in some way or another, but if you know me at all, you have to know that is not true. I believe that these ancient faith traditions are bold, that they teach us to reach for something beyond ourselves in a culture that is constantly encouraging us to only look inside ourselves. I need that and clearly so do other Christians.

There’s a LOT more in this post that I can dig into, honestly, it has the wheels in my brain turning so fast I can hardly keep up, so I may revisit it in a second post of my own. Again, I want to emphasize that I feel really passionately about losing the labels we have for one another, and not to water down Brent’s experience as a gay Christian, for which I am really grateful that he took the time to share. I know that the mainstream church has only just begun to wrap their heads around the idea of gay Christians and that it’s still met with a lot of vehement opposition, but I almost feel as though we needed the label just long enough to undo it. That what we should be striving to see is that none of us should be a Christian with a subtitle, but that we are all Followers of Christ who sin and struggle with the common goal of relating to God and understanding how we are loved by Him.

I welcome your comments… unless they are to tell me that I’ve become and old woman, to which my response will be to throw my cane at you. ;>

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Gay Parents or No Parents. What’s Better?

holding-hands-380x252Like being a hair stylist or a bar tender, when you work in retail cosmetics people tell you their stories. It’s amazing to me sometimes how compelled people seem to be to talk when I have them in my chair. I’ve had people weep, spill their deepest secrets, and talk all kinds of crap about their next door neighbor. You get used to it after a while.

Last week I had an interesting one. I say interesting for several reasons… I was working with a woman who I guessed to be nearing 60. She was a kind, soft-spoken woman who struck me as being a little overwhelmed in her surroundings. It was no surprise to me at all when a conversation about her skincare turned into a conversation about her daughter who was going through a divorce. She felt her daughter was making a bad decision and was concerned for both her child and her soon to be ex-son in-law, whom you could tell she loved very much.

After that she went on to lament how the world was changing. She took a long glance around the store I work in and then quietly asked if I work with many gay men. It’s important to understand that I live and work in a small town. This small town is pretty liberal in its views– to an extent. But at the end of the day it’s still a small town and the majority of the people here are senior citizens. I replied that yes, having been with the company for nearly six years I had worked with quite a few gay men. She commented on how places like my store and salons always had lots of gay employees, and then with a look of plain confusion admitted that the gay men who’ve cut her hair had always done the best job. I was doing my best not to chuckle and agreed that I’ve had many male co-workers who are amazing artists.

I could see in her face that she had more to say and just about the time I thought she’d decided against it she stepped closer to me and her thoughts just started pouring out. She told me that she is a social worker and deals with the placement of foster children. A lot of her job has to do with monitoring how a child is doing in their foster home and sometimes seeing to the details of adoption when the fostering goes really well. She was particularly concerned over a set of parents she would be meeting in a couple of days, gay men, who were fostering a little girl who had been removed from a heartbreaking abusive home. It was clear without her having to say the actual words that her moral compass dictated that she believe there was no way that this gay couple could be good parents for the little girl, the trouble was that all reports were to the contrary. Everyone she spoke to who had visited the couple couldn’t say enough about how much these men love that little girl and how well she was doing in their care. There was nothing but praise for their parenting.

As she spoke I could see the battle going on in her mind. Her face showed how she was weighing her genuine desire to see children safe and happy against her understanding of truth.  Right and wrong as she understood them were colliding in a way she didn’t know what to do with and were causing her to pour her heart out to a sales girl in a makeup store.

As I listened and wrestled with my own questions I felt compassion for this woman and grateful that she was wrestling too and not just making hard and fast decisions. Once she’d finished talking I asked  for myself as much as for her, “You said the little girl came out of an abusive home, can we trust God enough to believe that it’s better for her to be loved by two gay men than to be abused by a straight couple?”

In the moment I had forgotten where we were, that she was a client– we were just two people having a conversation about very real things in our world. As soon as the question was out of my mouth, however, I remembered and I was a little nervous that this was a little more than she’d bargained for out of her trip to buy cosmetics. Fortunately her response was one of gratitude, relief even. Maybe she just needed someone else to ask the question, I don’t know, but we both walked away liking one another better and with something to think about.

I’ve been thinking about it for a week now, actually I haven’t been able to get it off my mind.

It’s interesting to me that the conversation happened at all. If she’d have gotten pretty much anyone else in the store to help her and had that conversation the chances high that she would have offended them. So I just wonder why, knowing nothing about me personally, she felt safe to talk? I can only assume that it was God.

I haven’t been able to get that little girl off of my mind and a couple of nights ago as I was thinking about her and the whole situation God brought a new question to my mind.

“I can use all things for good. Can you consider that maybe I am using the love of two fathers to teach my child who I am?” 

I can’t imagine being a little girl in a world where the mother and father you are born with aren’t the anchors of love and safety they are meant to be, but instead are the cause of pain, fear, and abandonment. It is humbling and powerful for me to realize that maybe for the hurt she has suffered, the love and protection of two fathers is exactly what she needs.

I believe in a God who can use all things for good. Because He is God.

This understanding doesn’t change my ethics when it comes to sexuality, but it does change my heart for the way that we, as followers of Christ, view the bigger picture and how we relate to other people. Whether or not that gay couple adopts that little girl, they have made an impression on her life for love. What will it say to her about God as she grows if His followers are dead set on condemning the people who showed her kindness and protection when she needed it most? The answer to that question bothers me.

This is a challenging place to be in, it’s a challenging way to force myself to think, and yet, I have to. I have to believe that we can do better than we’re doing.  I’m not suggesting that we give in, or that truth doesn’t matter.

We need to be careful to focus on individual people, not categories and labels. There is no universal solution to a problem based on categories or labels, only individual solutions to individual problems based on individual people. It is a lot harder and messier, but it is the only way to be loving. In the thick of things it’s easy to lose sight of the actual lives involved. I see it happen all the time– a lot of Christians seem to want to think that because only families made from married heterosexual couples are “real” families and so all of the pseudo “families” out there can’t possibly have real bonds to one another and we become disconnected to their real human feelings, we don’t empathize with the fact that from where they’re sitting it sounds like we’re determined to tear their families apart. When we make a habit of categorizing people and giving them labels instead of relating and engaging with the people, we dehumanize them and justify treating them as though they have no feelings.

We also need to consider that if we’re going to be opposed to a solution, such as gay couples adopting and fostering when there are SO many children who need safe homes, then we have to have an alternative solution that we personally help make happen. We have no right to kick and scream when gay couples foster and adopt when we aren’t doing anything ourselves to solve the problem of parentless children. Remember, “Whatever you did for the least of these, you did for Me.”  The problem it’s easier to fight other people’s solutions than to find them ourselves, and I think in doing that we’re missing the entire point.

Through it all we can’t lose sight of truth, which means actually and actively seeking it. It’s hard work, it means not only investing in our relationship with God, but being invested in relationships with others and it will cost us everything we have, but it’s worth it. The problem with our culture is that people want everything to be not only black and white, but black and white all the way down the column–  If you think same-sex attraction is a sin then you’re anti-gay marriage, anti-gay fostering and you don’t want any gay people (even chaste ones) in your church. Likewise, if you think it is ok for gays to adopt then you can’t possibly believe what the bible says about sexuality and that you must completely condone homosexuality. The thing is nothing, not people, not issues fits into these black and white standards and we miss what God is actually doing when we try to force them.

What it all comes down to is that we can’t allow a desire to affirm the good in a bad situation turn into a willingness to let what is merely good not be better. We have to let what we believe speak through our actions, we have to know what we are for and then give our lives for that, rather than sitting back and raising hell about how other people have sought to meet needs in the world around us. This is where we find the balance in truth and love, when we take responsibility instead of casting blame, when we choose to find reasons to relate instead of reasons to draw a line in the sand and choose sides.

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I Am A Unique And Delicate Snowflake !!

Beautiful Snowflake The thing about really good friends is that sometimes they tell you things that you don’t want to hear and sometimes (a lot of times) they are right.

Jim often responds to my description of my feelings with something along the lines of, “… everyone feels that way.”  This used to infuriate me. It seemed harsh and as though it minimized my astronomical problems into something generic and unimportant. There was a time it just felt unkind to me for him to respond that way, however, I have come to understand it as one of the greatest kindnesses anyone has ever done for me.  What I’ve come to see is that I have this habit of trying to let my problems be the defining source of my individuality. No one understands me, no one can truly help me, because no one in the known universe has been through what I am going through as me. Maybe they have experienced something similar, but they aren’t me so they can’t possibly know what I feel and understand.

 

I AM A UNIQUE AND DELICATE SNOWFLAKE!!

Over time “everyone feels that way” stopped sounding so harsh and started making me think about something other than myself. If everyone felt the same way, even if those feelings manifest in different ways, it meant that we could relate to one another, rather than be isolated in our own snowflakey corners and that according to scripture our differences make us a part of a greater whole, not an island unto ourselves.

1 Corinthians 12: 12-26 says,

12 The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. 13 For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body-whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free-and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 14 Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18 But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19 If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, but one body. 21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” 22 On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor.
And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

I think Christians have formed a bad habit of doing exactly what I was doing with myself… catagorizing people by their problems and concluding that they have nothing to offer to people who’ve had different struggles than there own. I’ve heard church leaders suggest things like no one can minister to, say, the victim of sexual abuse the way that another victim of sexual abuse can, and at this point I have to strongly disagree with that. I don’t mean this to sound like a minimization, but pain is pain. We all have it, and what we need isn’t painkiller, what we need is relationship. What Paul is telling us is that the best relationships aren’t necessarily between things that are identical and that all of our pain boils down to broken relationships. I certainly have known the comfort that comes from relating to someone who’s pain has been similar to my own, however, a lot of the most healing relationships I’ve been in, have been with people who’s pain is completely different. And not just because their response to me is different than it would be if they had “walked a mile in my shoes”, although that certainly gives sight to some of my blind spots, but it’s been in stepping outside of myself and trying to relate to them. I get out of my own head and my own pain, and I see how they hurt and because I know what it feels like to hurt, it doesn’t so much matter that I know exactly what it feels like to be in their circumstances, so much as I know that it matters to walk beside them, to be their friend.

I don’t say this lightly, because as I’ve pointed out, I am guilty of it in my own life, but thinking this way isn’t just selfish, it’s lazy. It gives us permission to stay safely within our area of comfort, never having to really get messy.

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In Case You Were Wondering…

More than once I’ve been faced with the assumption by others that if circumstances were to change in my life and in the life of my family, my beliefs would also drastically change. That myself and my siblings would, as they say, “be singing a different tune” when it comes to our convictions about God and sexuality.

I’ll be honest, if your goal is to see me angry, this assumption has been the fastest way to get there, not because it’s a sensitive area for me, not because it causes me fear or anxiety, and not because it calls into question (which it does) my faith in my dad. No, the reason this assumption can take me from zero to seething in the time it takes to make it is because it calls into question my faith in God and the very nature of my relationship with Him, as well as that of my siblings.

Facing this recently I realized that I’ve never actually taken the time to sit down and address the assumption head-on. Honestly, I’ve been so caught up in being angry that most of the people making it have never voiced it to me or my family personally and given us an opportunity to answer their questions, it never even occurred to me to spell it out myself so it was available to those who wouldn’t ask.

So, in case you were wondering what I would do/feel/think if my dad decided to embrace the identity of a gay man and settled down with a male partner, this blog entry is my attempt to answer those unasked questions and speculations.

I understand that most people have had to do very little thinking about their parent’s sexuality and the effect it has on their life, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking about for most of mine. I haven’t thought about what  would happen if my dad left us for a relationship with a man once– I’ve thought about it thousands of times in my 32 years of life. When people start to speculate over what we, my dad’s children, would do if he changed his mind about the type of life God called him to, they always ponder it from this mentality that it’s a possibility that we’ve never considered, the reality of which would be completely devastating to us.

Being closely involved in my parent’s ministry for the majority of my life, I have seen up-close the pain and devastation of family’s being ripped apart by same sex attraction. I have witnessed the most steady stumble and the strongest of strong broken into bits. The possibility, no the inevitability, of my parents stumbling, failing, or falling and the pain it would cause our family has never been lost on me. I have never felt sheltered from disaster or lulled into believing that based on my Dad’s choices we have some kind of  immunity from suffering. My parent’s relationship was never a veil of perfection, and I say that with the deepest respect and love for both of them. It was very raw and honest. But these very real possibilities that have always been present in my life, are NOT sources of fear for me because if my parent’s taught me anything it was to trust God more than I trust them.

What I believe isn’t built on the foundation of my Dad’s behavior or even on what he believes. My convictions have been formed through years of knowing just how perilous the road we walk is and how much risk there is in taking it, but learning along the way that through it all God is good. God is love. And God is faithful, so “even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close”.

I can say today, with complete confidence, that my circumstances will always change, but God does not, and in that knowledge I invest my hope and security.

If my dad came home with a partner tonight I would feel angry, upset, and hurt. I would grieve, and I would believe he was wrong, but it wouldn’t change the reality of who I know God is and what my relationship with Him convicts me is true.

My love for my Dad would be the same. He’s my Dad, and I know him to be a man who struggles for righteousness in spite of himself and in spite of his occasional shortfalls and it isn’t the shortfalls that define him or my relationship to him. It’s not as though a change in circumstances would be forcing me to confront my Dad’s sin, as though I never had. At the end of the day people want to act like SSA is somehow an especially rebellious sin and it isn’t. At the end of the day someone’s pride, or their other deeply internal sins are far more deadly because not only can we not see them as clearly to help,  but they may not even see it themselves. At least with something like SSA, the issue is obvious and everyone knows what it is.

I have nothing to fear from what is exposed and out in the open and I relate to my Dad, a person who sins, as a person who is, myself, also a sinner.

Just like we need to stop putting labels on people that categorize them because it objectifies the subject, we need to stop talking about “relationships” and talk about “relating” because its the same problem. A relationship is an abstract object, but you relate to a subject. We talk about “having a relationship” like it is a thing we possess rather than relating to a person. We also tend to use relationships as a way to exercise control over other people, threatening to abandon the relationship if our expectations are not met. The nature of relating, however, is humble, it’s open and vulnerable. Isn’t this the example Jesus gave us? People have this sense that God “had to” become a human and die to fulfill some kind of cosmic blood debt that he owed himself but he could have done anything he wanted to do. He’s God! But God is love and love relates. So He became us to better relate us to Himself.

I wouldn’t believe that my father had fallen from grace, I would trust that he had fallen into it and rest in the understanding that God’s love for him is bigger than sexuality.

On the flip side of that coin, neither would I be tempted to recant my beliefs about what the bible says about sexuality and I wouldn’t change where I stand on speaking truth and love. It wouldn’t alter what I believe about salvation or grace or redemption.

I know there are some who will say that this is all easy to say, easy to convince myself of when it’s not my reality, but please, while you’re assuming and speculating, consider for a moment that my life has involved harder realities than the reality of my dad sleeping with another man would be, and here I am and God is still God.

family

*Also, I’m not making an attempt here to speak for my sibling, even though I know how their answers to this question would go, they are entitled to their own way of expressing their feelings and I don’t want to strap them to my own.

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