“Everybody says that time heals everything, but what of the wretched hollow, the endless in between? Are we just going to wait it out?” – Imogen Heap
Lately I feel like every day is a struggle for me to stay focused, to stay faithful, and to stay sane in a lot of cases.
In June of last year I came to a startling realization while at the Exodus Freedom Conference. Kristin and I were sitting in rocking chairs, looking out into mountains and I realized that the direction of my life had to change. I remember the exact moment, it felt something like panic and freedom all at the same time. At the time I had been living in Dallas for just under two years, within the first year we lost my mom, but somehow I had managed to hold it together just long enough to accomplish what I had come to Dallas to do– to be promoted within my company. I had just been given that promotion a month before the conference, and as I sat there with my sister rocking my team was going through training to open the new store where I would take on my new role. I remember looking out into the mist and realizing that everything I had been working towards had to change, I didn’t know how that would play out, but I was certain that, somehow, someway, it had to change.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how painful going through the change would be. I went home after the conference and it seemed like things were going back to normal. I didn’t know what change was going to mean or what it would look like. I didn’t know what to expect and I think I might have stopped expecting anything just about the time things with my job began to fall apart. In the months that followed the conference I faced some of the most challenging situations I have ever faced in a job. I felt completely defeated, rejected, and abandoned. People who I considered friends turned their back on me, and in the end part of the change that I really didn’t expect was having to turn around and move back to the Austin area.
After all the hurt and frustration of those several months, I managed to take some hope because I remembered that moment in the rocking chairs, and I could see that even though the whole situation was disappointing and felt out of control, even though I was hurt, I could see God’s hand in it. Looking back at it I still know that it had to happen the way it did, had it not I would have had a difficult time letting go of things I needed to let go of. I was emotionally exhausted after my move, but I felt hopeful that if God had orchestrated all of that, and if I had survived it without being mortally wounded, that good things were to come.
With this move I suffered a demotion with my company and a significant pay cut. Although it was frustrating, I went into it knowing that it was time to start looking for work elsewhere, and I trusted that things were in motion… That is when the stillness came.
I started in my demoted role this February… and in spite of resumes sent and meetings, I still have no clue where I’m going or where I should be. What do you do when you have a clear sense that where you are is not where you should be, but at the same time you have no sense of where “should be” is?
I can’t possibly be alone in this, I know that I’m not the only person who’s found themselves in this in between place… an in between place that becomes more and more uncomfortable as the days pass. Maybe this is how the Israelites felt in the desert when they built the Golden Calf, even after they had walked through the bottom of the sea to escape enslavement.
I don’t want to forget what God has walked me through, where He has brought me from, and I don’t want to lose hope for the future either. As we move into God’s plans for us, what do we do in the middle? How do we not lose our minds? I wish I had answers now, but maybe if we struggle together we will find them.